Expat Advising | Expat Marriage – There Is Power In Complicated

In this day and age, divorce has become quite easy in many countries, though not all. For instance, in Denmark, where I am from, handling the administrative aspects of a divorce can literally take just 10 minutes online. Plus, there is ample support available for single parents, and most people are self-sufficient anyway when it comes to job/money.

Women are encouraged to be independent and self-reliant, which I strongly support. This empowerment ensures they are always in a position to manage their lives independently, including paying bills and handling everyday responsibilities. Men, similarly, are also capable of managing on their own.

The gap between committed couples seems to be widening. Television is saturated with dating programs, and people are spread across many phone apps in search of a partner?or the next one.

Bottom line: We are becoming less dependent on each other, and the exit from commitment has become easier.

Where Does That Leave Us?

What impact does this ease of separation have on our willingness to invest in relationships and fight for our togetherness? This is a complex and highly debated question.

When I engage in this discussion, especially from the perspective of expat life, it is because I believe it highlights the importance of commitment.

What Do Expat Couples Who Stay Together Offer?

Typically, couples expatriate because one partner has been offered a job abroad. Accepting this job means the other partner often leaves their current job to support this new lifestyle. This transition involves getting everyday life up and running, finding a new identity, and discovering a new purpose.

In essence, the supporting spouse sacrifices something significant for their partner. To me, this sacrifice represents love and a joint commitment to each other.

During the initial years, the challenges of adaptation are enormous. Without trusted friends or family nearby, couples must rely heavily on each other. This reliance can be difficult, as it requires understanding what the other is experiencing while managing one?s own process and identity.

Keep in mind that some of the top stressors include moving, changing jobs, and job loss (even voluntary).

During this tremendous practical and emotional pressure, our normal level of robustness and resiliency might fluctuate downwards, and the ?home button? can become very attractive to push. However, by disregarding this option, couples are forced to support each other, develop personal strategies, and find ways to blend their lives together again. This dependence on each other fosters flexibility and mutual striving.

In four words: communicate, explore, fix, stay.

That is a win as an expat couple when addressing commitment. Easier said than done. I know. However, the forcing serves to bring forward personal strength and development, necessary deeper insight into your spouse, and a demand for finding solutions and common ground. This results in a stronger bond when the light appears at the end of the tunnel.

A Bit of My Story

In my own experience, I took a long time to open up to others. First and foremost because that is my nature but also because I was unsure how to word the pressure and loss of identity, and the rollercoaster ride I was on as an expat spouse. I dealt with it, relying on myself and my husband ? and surely some outbursts to my mom. A thank you to both, is certainly in place here.

Secondly, I found it hard to really grasp what my husband was faced with, and it took quite some time and a focused effort from me, to climb into his brain and empathize, hence being able to support him.

Surely there were (and still are, but less) a lot of discussions and fighting. Hours of bad and exhausted energy and certainly days and weeks where my brain was flirting with giving up.

But I did not. Nor did he. And we still do not. 5 moves, 3 cultural integrations, and 9 years of almost constant adaptation into our expat life. Our experiences have taught us the value of dealing with ourselves and each other, strengthening our bond.

As a woman, I am not scared of saying that I depend on my husband. It does not make me less of a powerhouse, it does not make me feel that I am not strong. On the contrary, I feel a lot of relief and strength in being us. The two of us. Walking into challenges, joy, change, worries, personal development, and everything in between. Together. Remember, he too, depends on me and must apply the same mental work to understand, empathize, and support me. And us.

If I had up and left, I would not be here. As the educated and ? ongoing ? self-reflective and developing expat spouse that I am. In its nature, we would also not be here, as a committed couple, looking back at overcoming hurdles, adding lessons to our bank of experience and knowledge while applying what we've learned as we carry on.

What Can We Learn and Pass On About Commitment?

We can learn that when the way out is not a 10-minute online process and you do not have a solid safety net catching you, you go the extra mile(s). That is my claim, and surely, I'd like to emphasize that you should not stay together because you are forced to i.e. in the direct meaning of the word.

Facing the High Expat Couple Hurdles

First, I hope you find some relief in the fact that it is challenging for most expat couples, to manage our own process alongside understanding our partner's process when we are both in unknown territory and under stress. You are normal. We are normal. It is hard.

Secondly, there are specific things you can do to create peace, and clarity and make a plan. Expat Advising does this with you. We work individually with all of our clients, to fully get behind what is going on and what approach will best comply in assisting you.